Colorful

Call me a bit off, weird or quirky, but I love filling a glass with ice, ginger ale or a citrus drink and placing a fruit popsicle (Edy's Fruit Bar) upside inside. Somehow when I have this concoction going my body instantly chills and I relax.  

Tonight as I currently have a glass...ok plastic cup... filled with such I'm sitting back and letting my thoughts fly. As usual I don't know where to begin in spewing my thoughts, so everything feels like a ramble or a run-on sentence in my head.

However, tonight I'm stuck on better halves.

I've been reading a few blogs and came across a couple in which the blogger talks about missing their other or better half. Their half is away for whatever reason and in each case they have pondered on their existence without their half.  I can't help but wonder how I will fair over the weekend when Papi leaves for his family reunion. True, I'll miss him, but it won't be the end of the world. It's the Snickerdoodle that I can't bare to be away from for an extended amount of time.  I must say I did very well a few weeks ago when she spent the night with my aunt and grandmother. I only called to check on her once.  I knew she was in good hands.

Still, this whole thing about better halves has been coming to me ever since my cousin's funeral last week. My cousin and his wife were married for 62 years. What scares me a bit, when people who are that in love and in tuned to each other; when one goes away in death the other isn't far from behind. This was proof enough for me a few years back when my Uncle Gyden passed away. Uncle Gyden and his wife, Aunt Louise, had been married 50 plus years.  They loved, worshipped and did just about everything together. I will never forget the day of Uncle Gyden's funeral. At the end I had approached Aunt Louise wanting to give her a hug and let her know I was there.  Needless to say I was taken aback when I approached her.

All my years of knowing Aunt Louise, I had never seen her cry at a funeral. I remember very vividly, especially at my great-grandmother's funeral, she was the one to rally everyone together and tell them to forget their tears of sadness. If anything it was a day of celebration. She was one of the strong pillars of the family. Yet on that day of her husband's funeral her world seemed to have ended. When I approached her she was full of tears. Nothing would come out my mouth. I stood there with tears coming from my eyes as she kept repeating,

"I can't live without him. I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't live without him."

A few months later, Aunt Louise was gone.

I'm aways in utter amazement when I come across a couple that in tuned to eacher that their hearts are really one. It's even more amazing when you can actually FEEL the energy that a couple that in tune radiates with. I feel very blessed to be or have been in the presence of such couples, because it renews my faith in real, unconditional, deep down to the core, consuming, undying love.  I feel this way about my Snickerdoodle. I love waking up in the morning and seeing her face or feel her climb over me trying to wake me up.

"Get up Mommy!"

Though I don't want to spoil her to the point that she can't do without me, I'll admit sometimes it is hard. For the most part she is good at entertaining herself  if I have duties around the house to complete or if I leave her in the care of a family member she'll busy herself with whatever. When I return in her sight that's when she falls apart. She'll run, crawl or fast walk to get to me. If we aren't in arms reach she'll start to whimper or even cry while reaching for me. When I'm in her sight, she watches every move I make and now that she is walking good, she'll try to follow. 

Maybe I have spoiled her just a bit.

So many times I've replayed in my mind the events that has led up to her existence. Eventually I end up shedding a tear or two, because I realize that I am completely in love with her and I can't even begin to image my life without her.

When it comes to the type of love or intimacy that my daughter may not be able to provide me, I only hope that I am blessed to have such a person my life; for us to be on the same level and able to grow spiritually and emotionally together. Just as it is with my daughter, I want the divine given love; one that was chosen just for me.

Divinely favored.  

The new issue of Essence magazine features singer Usher and his recently born infant son. I've only skimmed through the article and glanced at the beautifully done photo shoot, but I teared up as I read lyrics to a song he wrote for his son, especially the ending lines.

"I ain't going nowhere
Even when I get on your nerves
Cause I'm your daddy

My prayer for you
Son I pray for you"

- Usher "Prayer for You"

I've been inspired to sit down and pen something down for my better half.  I haven't written anything for her since March, just before her first birthday.  I just feel the need to go deeper with and about my love for her. I'm afraid I may never be able to convey such depth of loves in a written passage.

Ms. (In) Dependent
By Mahoganie
March 2008
Washington, DC

Ms. (In) Dependent
Decided to get up this morning and walk
With her destination unknown
Off she went
Cruising a narrow corridor
Exploring
A tapestry of clothing
A mountain range of dressers
Dusty peaks of exquisite smells
I watched from afar as she grabbed a leg of the old night stand
Balance and Confidence gained within
She looked back as if to say
"Don't fret. I got this!"
She passed a hill of old drop socks
Navigating her way through a maze of Donald Pliner, Ferragamo and Naturalizer boxes
Finally reaching a resting place
Grandma's bed
I couldn't help but to get a twinkle in my eye
My pride
For she is like me
In search of some kind of destiny
Child like Mother
Mother like child
for so long I was a melody
In search of the perfect lyric
God must have bionic hearing
Out of the ash of love confused with lust
he delivered my song
My better half
A life lyric helping to create the ultimate love song
I am her
She is me
My Aries wild child
To my calm Aquarian breeze. 
Energy astound
"When you get blue, I feel it too."
Child like mother
Mother like child
Same (In) dependence
Feeding off a source in order to grow to be free
Wanting to explore the world
Even at an age so mild.

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The original article can be found here: http://www.workitmom.com/article-4554-want_some_me_time_get_your_hubby_a_hobby

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The original article can be found here: http://www.workitmom.com/article-4419-7_secrets_of_highly_successful_work-at-home_moms

Would you like to become a WAHM (work-at-home mom)? Wondering whether it is possible for you?

You know, with everything you already do it seems like squeezing in a home business might cram up your life or maybe take it from 100 miles per hour to 300 miles per hour!

Well, I have great news for you! It can be done and it doesn’t have to take from your life -- instead, it can add to your life. I will be teaching you seven powerful things you can do right now to get you in the flow of running a household full of children and running a business without loosing any of hair on your head.So pull out a chair and listen up!

1.) What are we doing today? Create a schedule for yourself but don’t kill yourself trying to follow it to the tee. As moms we know that deciding to work from 9 a.m. to noon does not mean we will sit there for three hours straight without interruption. You will probably get up 20 or more times in three hours if you have small children around the house. But children do need and thrive on being on a schedule. If you have very young ones you should feed them and put them down for a nap at the same time everyday. Or at least try to do so.

As a mom of four with a 1-year-old baby, I know that my little one sometimes has plans of his own and will try to resist napping. When you have day’s like this where it seems like nobody is going with the flow, just relax and be grateful that you have the opportunity of being home with your children -- getting frustrated at the work that goes undone will only add stress to your life, and the very fact that you work from home is because your children are your priority. So if the work doesn’t get done, let it go, you can always catch up later or on the weekend. Besides, these interruptions are your most important work.

3.) Just say NO! It seems everyone wants a piece of you! Your sister wants you to take the kids for the weekend, your kid’s school wants you to bake four dozen cookies for a fundraiser event, your mother wants you to come over and fix her screen door, your best friend wants you to come over to talk about her impending divorce, a local charity wants you to volunteer, telemarketers want you to subscribe to the local newspaper... need I say more?

We take on more than we can comfortably deliver in an unconscious desire to impress others, get ahead, and keep up with other’s expectations. Meanwhile, our top priorities go unaddressed.

To become a successful WAHM and creating your desired lifestyle, you will have to get comfortable at saying NO to all the people and distractions that would otherwise devour you. Successful WAHMs know how to say NO without feeling guilty.

4.) Maximize your time. When that baby or toddler is sleeping then I recommend you run to your office. The best time to accomplish tasks that need to be completed is when the little ones nap. What might take you two hours to finish with the kids awake will take you only 30 minutes while they sleep, so if you can, always plan on making phone calls and working on things that need your undivided attention when the little ones are napping. This one is pretty mom-common sense, I don’t need to elaborate further.

5.) Ask for help. You can do anything but not everything. It is so important that everyone in the household contributes. A family needs to work as a team, you should not be doing everything yourself. Delegate household chores to your husband and your children (as long as they are old enough to help). Laundry, dishes, sweeping, organizing, dusting, cooking, etc... all these things are not your sole responsibility.

As children get older you will be amazed at all the things they can do. My 8-year-old, for example, washes dishes, sorts the laundry, cleans countertops, makes our bed. My 7-year-old vacuums, dusts, picks up his toys, makes his bed as well, and my 6-year-old and my 1-year-old loves to throw toys in the toy basket! Start early on to teach your kids to be organized -- the reward is huge!

And if this isn’t your situation, then just take it one step at a time. Don’t give your kids a long list of chores and expect them to run off and get them done. Start with one thing like making their own beds for two weeks, and once that has become a habit go on to another task that they can do. Do this over and over and your kids will become the best help you will ever know or have!

6.) Where’s my bubble bath? Practice good self care. You take care of everyone else all day long but don’t forget you need to take care of YOU! Without you at your emotional best, even the smallest thing can turn you into a walking time bomb. Take the time to relax in a bubble bath, read a great book, get a massage, get a pedicure, take a walk alone, or whatever helps you to clear your mind and focus on you. You are the most important part of this equation!

7.) What is your vision for the future? What do you want? More money you say, yes, but what do you want to do with more money? Write down what your life is going to look like after you earn X amount of money. You need to know why you are doing what your doing.

Maybe it’s more trips to Disney World every year or that your children will have secured funds for college or maybe you want a new car, a bigger house, a cleaning lady, a personal chef. Whatever it is, write it down and know that being a WAHM will come with its challenges, but you have decided to live your best life possible.

You have the best of both worlds. Your children are not at a daycare, they have your love and attention everyday, you have a career that mentally stimulates you. So start today, implement these seven steps that will make it a very smooth journey towards becoming a successful work-at-home mom! And remember ladies: You're a superstar mom!

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The original article can be found here: http://www.workitmom.com/article-4370-quick_tips_for_managing_your_digital_identity

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I am never letting my children leave for a week again.  Ever.  It sucked so bad, I can't even tell you.  Add that to the fact that my mom and I haven't really spoken in three weeks, me and Blue have been on the fence (mostly broken up, but still talking and trying to work things out), my one sister moved to Austin and my other sister is busy with the life of a young 20-something... well I felt pretty darn lonely.

It was a completely emotionally draining week.  NO DOUBT.

Somehow it all came together though. 

1.  Blue did the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me... better than any gift or flowery words.  After hearing me cry and despair over the phone with him for 3 days, he called and talked to my mom for like 3 hours on the phone.  Walked right into the lion's den voluntarily (my mom isn't exactly a fan of Blue, considering all he's put me through... yes, she knows everything).  With one phone call he smoothed over months worth of hurt, anger and bitterness.  My mom called me a little while after that and we talked for hours as well.  It was very cleansing and made me so happy, it really set the mood for the rest of the weekend.

2.  Shortly after talking to Blue and Mom... my sister called and gave me the best news EVAH.  I am going to be an aunt!!!  She's 5 weeks pregnant... 3 pee sticks and some sore boobs totally confirmed it.  Ha.  I can't wait to plan the baby shower and buy cute baby stuff again.  Just in time, cause I was getting some serious baby-fever lately.

3.  I met a friend (another single mom with kids my age) at the gym and we went to dinner on Saturday night.  Two of her kids were with their dad and mine were with their's, so it was just us two mom's and her one-year-old son (who is a total flirt and sweet baby and does NOTHING to relieve the raging baby fever I have).  We talked and laughed for hours and I think I have finally found myself a friend in this God-forsaken suburb.  Ha.

4.  A good friend of mine that I kinda lost closeness with after my divorce read my Vox and emailed me last night because of my post after Nate's birthday.  She wants us to start where we left off and try and get our friendship back where it was.  I am so happy, cause she has been one of my best friends for about 7 years now, and I had mourned her loss for the past year.  I am so excited that she wants to be BFF's again.

5.  My babies squealing and jumping up into my arms yesterday when I picked them up from their dad's.  They are covered in rashes and bug bites (they went camping all week)... but I couldn't have been happier to see them.  While I sat giving them baths last night... my heart felt complete again.

I totally think prayers for peace were answered.  I was in such a bad place this time last week.  I really really hated my life and didn't see where I'd ever feel happiness again.  Today, I think God has helped me sweep out the negative influences and is helping me focus on the future and the happiness that is around the corner for me.  I feel really good.

And... I am soooooo excited I am going to be an aunt!!!!

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"Here I go waking up yawning 6 in the morning
With you on my mind
I’m laying in bed scarf still on my head
Barely got the cold out my eyes
Reflecting...bout the conversation we had last night
And I’m reminded of why
I do the things I do just for you ,for you
I don’t have to think twice"
- "U Do It For Me" by Algebra

I can always tell when I had a good time with someone, because the instant I come home I begin to miss them. I savor the time I spent with them and become a little laxed in the day's activities. Such is the case as I spent a wonderful weekend with Papi. However, I'm afraid that I may have to finally admit that I am..... we are in some kind of relationship. The thought kind of depresses me, because (as I mentioned before) I do feel like Papi is a comfort zone for me at this point. Meeting someone new and dating them takes a lot of energy, energy which I feel I don't have right now; especially as a mother. Besides who is patient enough to bare with me when I have to back out on some dates because of things I need to do for my kid, my family and even me? 

Being that I knew Papi (through his sister) before all of the occasional hanging out, talks on the phone, text messages, intimate moments and so forth I easily fell in line as everything seemed to be happening naturally. Not that I don't care for this comfort zone. It does feel good. It just scares me a bit, because I don't know where we are headed or what is to come for us. Yes, this is exciting as well, I just get a little nervous because at least I don't want to mess around and hurt his heart or vice versa.

Sometimes I do wonder what he is thinking about us as far as what we are doing now, but I get too chicken shit to ask. Whenever we see or talk to each other we always manage to live in the now, "just be" and enjoy.  The last couple of days have been no exception. Since the Snickerdoodle and I have had the house to ourselves - despite the continuing renovation work while my folks are away - I went back and forth in my head about inviting Papi over for dinner. It wasn't until later Thursday afternoon as I was prepping pork chops that I decided to go ahead and do so.

I fixed my usual steamed broccoli and hearty baked pork chop and rice dish; seasoned pork chops, with a packet of Lipton Onion Soup mix, rice and topped it with Cream of Mushroom baked as a casserole.  As he promised, Papi came by a little after 7:30.

U Do It For Me

The funny thing is, the whole time he was here I had the song "U Do It For Me" by Algebra playing in my head. Though I do have a catering heart and spirit, when it came to men I always felt I had my limits, especially if the man wasn't giving to me just as much as I was giving. I use to get a bit unnerved anytime I saw friends or family members - including my mom - fix a dinner plate for their man and even pick up after him after he ate. Yet, as I did this on Thursday evening, I think I began to understand why some of the ladies in my life do this for their man. Because it does feel good to cater unselfishly - that is if you have such a spirit. Also, somewhere deep down you know the man would do the same for you and more than likely he already has and continues to; just as Algebra explains in her song.

"I do it cuz he real with me
I do cuz he still with me
I do cuz I should
I do cuz your good for me, good for me
I do it cuz I trust (ya)
I do it cuz I must
And im doin it for us
I do it cuz I am grateful...willing and able
I do it for you cuz you do it for me"

The Snickerdoodle busied herself with her toys in her play pin as we ate dinner.  We watched a few George Carlin comedy specials, the late evening news and somewhere in between a free flowing conversation with laughter here and there. The Snickerdoodle knocked herself out just before Papi left. I began to miss him after he was gone, but knew I would see him again on Saturday.

Saturday came and I was feeling a bit nervous. Part of it was due to the Snickerdoodle spending the night outside of home for the first time. She stayed overnight with my grandmother and aunt as I knew my date with Papi would run very late.... umm ok.. until the next day. Nevertheless, the Snickerdoodle did fine without me for her first sleep over. Apparently she had some playmates as my aunt was watching over two of her cousin's children.

Papi and I made the show (Kindred and Rahsaan Paterson) at the Carter Barron.  However, being that the theater is outside and severe rain was hovering near, Papi and I still made the best of things under the stars.  Actually, it wasn't bad. The show was held for 20 minutes in between performances until the storm passed over. It was raining everywhere outside of Rock Creek Park (where the Carter Barron is located) but it didn't rain in the park. As people expected the rain to come in a downpour, folks either ran back to their cars or crammed until a covered concourse area. Papi and I (along with a few storm soldiers) stayed in our seats huddled together as....nothing.. passed over. Naturally after the show we went out to eat and eventually called it a night. This morning Papi treated me to a nice Sunday buffet brunch at a local restuarant.  

When I parted from Papi today, instantly I did begin to miss my Snickerdoodle and couldn't wait to squish her with one of my hugs. However, after settling in for the day with the Snickerdoodle back at home, my thoughts immediately went to Papi. I miss his hugs, his smile, his brutally honest and crude jokes, his hands, his eyes when he steals a glance of me when he thinks I'm not looking... I miss just him.

So yes blog world, or whomever finds this entry and reads it.. I "Mahoganie" maybe involved in something that I've been (perhaps) rejecting for a while. A relationship. Right now, the big clue has been some of the predictability that has been floating around.  Sometimes I know what he is going to say before he says it or sends it in a text message. I know his calls to my house phone, without any set ringtones. There is also that strange coinsidence from the night of the Erykah Badu show, when we wore the same color without having any clue of what the other was going to wear. We were that in sync.

Oh and let's not forget my (almost) Carrie Bradshaw moment of the weekend. At some point I needed to "poot." Granted it's a bodily function that really can't be controlled, but damnit I did my best. I held it in for a long as I could, until I got to a safe area where he wouldn't be able to smell it. I then tried to whip out my scented lotion to cover up the smell in the air in case he did want to walk into that area. Needless to say, I did feel better after that release and relieved he couldn't smell anything.

Damn Papi for making me go to a place in my heart, body and mind that I didn't want to go to. Damn him for making me smile. Damn him for making me happy. Damn him for appreciating me.  Damn him for making me miss him. Damn him for making me think twice about certain things. 

I just wasn't ready for this. Not now.

During Saturday's concert, Rahsaan performed a remake of Sade's Stronger Than Pride - which is my favorite Sade song EVER!

It actually hits me now, that whatever Papi seems to be doing to me, it's stronger than my own damn pride.

I wasn't ready for this. I really wasn't.

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Here is one of the presents I got Claudia for her birthday, which is on August 2nd.  She already has 4 American Girl dolls, but she's been wanting these two...Molly & Emily...for awhile now.  She had asked for one or the other, but since she did so well in school (straight A's!!), I decided to order them both.  She watches the movie all the time.  I just wish they weren't $105 per doll!  Eeeek!!!  My wallet is so on fire right now.  They're worth it though.  Really nice dolls.

Claudia's 9th B-day Gift - 1

Claudia's 9th B-day Gift - 2

Claudia's 9th B-day Gift - 3

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I was eight years old when I learned about the "birds and bees."

It was a sunny afternoon, I had just dropped my backpack down at the front door and went straight to the kitchen for a snack.  My mom was in there getting some stuff ready for dinner, I could hear my little sister in the back room playing with her dolls.

"Mom, what's a 'virgin'?"

She looked up from the stove at me with wide-eyes and then slowly narrowed them, spatula in the air.  Her shoulders slumped and she said, "Give me just a minute here and we'll talk about that.  Where did you hear that word?"

"I was at Bible Class today and they kept talking about 'The Virgin Mary'.  Why did they call her a 'virgin'?  ... Oh and I heard it on a T.V. show the other day too, but that time they were talking about a guy at their school."

She quietly finished making dinner, set it to the side to stay warm and told me to come sit on the couch in the living room.  She brought a pencil and a pad of paper with her.  Man, she meant business.  This was not going to be any explanation.

Curiously I looked at her as I sat down, feeling a bit apprehensive at her seriousness. 

A few diagrams later she had thoroughly explained the female reproductive system, the male reproductive system and how they delicately worked together to make a baby.  Following that was a stern lecture about how this process was meant by God to be an act between a husband and wife that loved each other. 

And then she began to cry. 

Tell an eight-year-old little girl that a penis goes in a vagina to make a baby and THEN start crying... and you have pretty much engraved the moment into her mind forever.  And possibly scared the living day lights out of her.

The reason for the tears was soon explained.  My mother put her hand on my shoulder as tears streamed down her face and said that sometimes people who weren't married fell in love and made babies.  That it was NEVER a mistake, it just wasn't the way God intended it and made it much harder for everyone involved.

A light bulb began to go off in my head.  I realized that most kids probably don't remember their parent's wedding day like I did.  I remember it because I was 3 years old on that day.  And the man I now called "Daddy" didn't actually meet me until I was old enough to know I was the only kid in nursery school that didn't have a daddy.

I looked at my mom and I started to cry too.  "Who is my daddy?"

She hugged me and told me that someday when I was old enough to know, she would tell me more, and if I wanted to meet him, that she would be okay with it.  For now, my Daddy was the man that came to every school program, that took us to the zoo, and who was the only person I wanted when I fell off my bike and skinned my knee.  She said that making a baby didn't make you a daddy... loving a child like they were your own did.

Finally I sighed and wiped my tears, looked back down at the drawing my mother had made me.  An hour or so had passed since I had gotten home from school.  From the drawings I looked back at my mothers face, eyes rimmed red with tears, but with a soft smile on her face. 

"But, I still don't know what 'virgin' means." 

At that, my mother started laughing and so did I.

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THAT would Be My Dream Job! I Just realized that Today. I Love to Sing and I Love to tell stories and I Love to perform! When I tell the boys the classic stories (Cinderella, Little Red Robin Hood) I always end up incorporating a song from Sonheim's Into The Woods. (Yes, I am a dorky parent) They Love It! And I do Too!!!

I think it would be a Blast!

hmmm.....wonder how'd I get started.......???

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